Looking into his eyes.
You can see him looking back at you.
You know he feels it.
You know it's there.
When he touches you, the world around you disappears.
When he speaks your name, nothing else matters.
He makes the world okay.
He'd do absolutely anything for you.
He spoils you absolutely rotten and says he absolutely loves doing so.
He says he does it just so he can see you smile.
He tells you he loves you every single day.
When he wraps his arms around you, he melts you into a puddle.
Your heart races and the butterflies feel like they will make your stomach burst.
He tells you how amazing you are, how smart you are, how talented you are.
He tells you how absolutely beautiful you are and how lucky he is to have you.
He says he's so lucky to have you -- LUCKY!!
Yet.....
He doesn't want anyone to think you are a couple.
He says he's not sexually attracted to you.
He says you're nothing more than friends.
At the same time he gets VERY jealous if you spend your time with other guys.
He says he loves you more than he knows how to explain or knows how to admit to himself.
Is he afraid or is he a user?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
When my world fell apart.....
The day started like any other day....how does Halloween start?
R was at work, and CL and I were at home. She was about two years old and was finally old enough to actually care about the "holiday". It was pretty boring around the house and I was kind of wishing for some company.
My cousin (first cousin) T and I had been close my entire life. He used to visit when we lived in BR all the time. Didn't matter what his work schedule was, he'd visit. Since we moved to HC, he hadn't even come to see the house and that was really bothering me. Well, my phone was ringing and it was T and I wasn't taking no for an answer today. I wanted him to see our new house, and that was that. So, I convinced him to come visit -- besides, I needed advice and I needed it from him.
**bit of back story**
I previous weighed in at around 220 lbs and had recently lost almost 80 lbs. Yes, I was now at 140 lbs and looked damn good. I could wear anything and I wanted the world to see it. So did R. As a matter of fact, he even went shopping and bought me clothes - picked them out all on his own. Here's the problem. If I wore them, he got mad. He called me names and accused me of wearing them for the wrong reasons. HE BOUGH THEM!! So you tell me -- why buy the fucking clothes if you don't want me to wear them?? So, I figured I would talk to T and ask him if I was giving off the wrong impression with how I was dressing. Was I in the wrong?!?!? T would tell me. T would be honest. T was always honest. Why would this time be any different?
**back to the story**
T got to the house and I gave him the grand tour. C was watching tv so we sat in the kitchen talking. I proceeded to give him the rundown of my issues and asked him if he'd give me advice on how to handle the situation. I decided to get a true opinion, that it would be best to show him an actual outfit I was would wear out. So I went into the bathroom (that was right off the kitchen), put on an outfit, opened the bathroom door, and stepped into the kitchen. He mumbled something under his breath and I just ignored him. Smartass comments didn't mean anything. He gave me the advice I wanted and I went back into the bathroom. I went to close the door...and....
As I attempted to shut the door, T forced his way into my bathroom, grabbed ahold of both of my wrists and slammed me up against my bathroom sink. He rubbed his face up against my neck. The smell of his breath...I'll never forget the smell of his chew. It's a smell that makes my stomach churn and tie in knots. He rubbed the front of his jeans against me, as if he was arousing himself in some sort of sick, twisted sexual act that was pleasing himself while I stood pinned against my counter terrified enough not to even be able to breathe. "What do the men say to you when they see you?", "What do you want them to say to you?", "I know what I'd say to you?", "I know what I'd do to you!" and the rubbing got faster and the breathing got faster and the grip on my wrists got tighter and tighter. Please just make this go away! Why is he doing this?? What did I do to cause this? What did I do to deserve this??
With a tight grip on both wrists, he moved my hands towards my snap on my jeans, fumbling to undo them as C walks into the bathroom and he let go of everything. I picked her up and ran to the living room. I clung to my daughter for my life for what seemed like an eternity....when he finally walked into the living room and in a very low voice muttered...."Umm, I-I-I'm-m, I'm s-sorry, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm going to go now." and he turned around and walked out of my house.
Did he rape me? No
Did he hurt me? No
Did he take anything from me? Yes, yes he did. He took my sense of security, me sense of trust, me belief that the one safe place I could always go to... my FAMILY....was GONE!!! And why is that? Because not only did that motherfucker destroy my life, but so did every other motherfucker in my family that stood by his side after they found out what he did and backed him and called me a liar. So you know what....fuck you all!
R was at work, and CL and I were at home. She was about two years old and was finally old enough to actually care about the "holiday". It was pretty boring around the house and I was kind of wishing for some company.
My cousin (first cousin) T and I had been close my entire life. He used to visit when we lived in BR all the time. Didn't matter what his work schedule was, he'd visit. Since we moved to HC, he hadn't even come to see the house and that was really bothering me. Well, my phone was ringing and it was T and I wasn't taking no for an answer today. I wanted him to see our new house, and that was that. So, I convinced him to come visit -- besides, I needed advice and I needed it from him.
**bit of back story**
I previous weighed in at around 220 lbs and had recently lost almost 80 lbs. Yes, I was now at 140 lbs and looked damn good. I could wear anything and I wanted the world to see it. So did R. As a matter of fact, he even went shopping and bought me clothes - picked them out all on his own. Here's the problem. If I wore them, he got mad. He called me names and accused me of wearing them for the wrong reasons. HE BOUGH THEM!! So you tell me -- why buy the fucking clothes if you don't want me to wear them?? So, I figured I would talk to T and ask him if I was giving off the wrong impression with how I was dressing. Was I in the wrong?!?!? T would tell me. T would be honest. T was always honest. Why would this time be any different?
**back to the story**
T got to the house and I gave him the grand tour. C was watching tv so we sat in the kitchen talking. I proceeded to give him the rundown of my issues and asked him if he'd give me advice on how to handle the situation. I decided to get a true opinion, that it would be best to show him an actual outfit I was would wear out. So I went into the bathroom (that was right off the kitchen), put on an outfit, opened the bathroom door, and stepped into the kitchen. He mumbled something under his breath and I just ignored him. Smartass comments didn't mean anything. He gave me the advice I wanted and I went back into the bathroom. I went to close the door...and....
As I attempted to shut the door, T forced his way into my bathroom, grabbed ahold of both of my wrists and slammed me up against my bathroom sink. He rubbed his face up against my neck. The smell of his breath...I'll never forget the smell of his chew. It's a smell that makes my stomach churn and tie in knots. He rubbed the front of his jeans against me, as if he was arousing himself in some sort of sick, twisted sexual act that was pleasing himself while I stood pinned against my counter terrified enough not to even be able to breathe. "What do the men say to you when they see you?", "What do you want them to say to you?", "I know what I'd say to you?", "I know what I'd do to you!" and the rubbing got faster and the breathing got faster and the grip on my wrists got tighter and tighter. Please just make this go away! Why is he doing this?? What did I do to cause this? What did I do to deserve this??
With a tight grip on both wrists, he moved my hands towards my snap on my jeans, fumbling to undo them as C walks into the bathroom and he let go of everything. I picked her up and ran to the living room. I clung to my daughter for my life for what seemed like an eternity....when he finally walked into the living room and in a very low voice muttered...."Umm, I-I-I'm-m, I'm s-sorry, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm going to go now." and he turned around and walked out of my house.
Did he rape me? No
Did he hurt me? No
Did he take anything from me? Yes, yes he did. He took my sense of security, me sense of trust, me belief that the one safe place I could always go to... my FAMILY....was GONE!!! And why is that? Because not only did that motherfucker destroy my life, but so did every other motherfucker in my family that stood by his side after they found out what he did and backed him and called me a liar. So you know what....fuck you all!
Why....?
When you watch a butterfly flutter around the garden, it seems to wander aimlessly with no purpose. When you see a snowflake drift from the sky towards the ground, it does so with no other purpose other than to land on the earth only to await it's time to melt, and disappear from existence. What was the real purpose of the snowflake to begin with? Why did it even need to be here? The earth can be cold and miserable, without the ground being covered in snow.
The way I see it....the world can be miserable without my help.....why do I have to be here?
The way I see it....the world can be miserable without my help.....why do I have to be here?
This is just the beginning....
Today marks my very first post for the Path of the Silent Butterfly. I am the Silent Butterfly. Why? Because that is how I see myself -- as if I don't really matter. I feel as though I just float through life, landing here, landing there, touching this life, touching that life, helping here, helping there, but not mattering to anyone or anything. I would do anything for anyone that asks, give the world the shirt off of my back, yet I couldn't get the same in return.
I am alone in my journey through life and I'm to the point where I'd much rather just give up. I struggle every single day, facing addiction, mental illness, self-hate but most of all, I face the world completely alone.
I have demons that I face, and I do it alone. I plan to use this blog as my way to scream to the world -- you don't have to listen if you don't want to. I'm don't really care one way or another. I am going to scream whether someone listens or not.
I am alone in my journey through life and I'm to the point where I'd much rather just give up. I struggle every single day, facing addiction, mental illness, self-hate but most of all, I face the world completely alone.
I have demons that I face, and I do it alone. I plan to use this blog as my way to scream to the world -- you don't have to listen if you don't want to. I'm don't really care one way or another. I am going to scream whether someone listens or not.
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